As the sun begins to lean gently towards the horizon, her father's work begins. At 21, Ashley Lau is learning to see her father differently -- not as the quiet chicken wing seller she once felt embarrassed by, but as a man whose silent sacrifices helped shape the life she has today.
Q: When you were growing up, your father was physically around, but emotionally, there seemed to be a distance between you. What was that relationship like?
I didn’t grow up with my parents. I stayed with relatives for about six years and only came home when I was seven. Even after that, I hardly saw my dad because he worked night shifts at our family’s steamboat restaurant.
He would wake up around noon, prepare for work and work until midnight or even 1am. He was also a very quiet man, so he didn’t really ask about me or my life. I always found our relationship awkward and distant.
To me, he was just my dad, but not really a father. I knew this guy was my dad and that he sold chicken wings, but I didn’t really know him.
Q: At one point, you were embarrassed that your father was a chicken wing seller. What changed as you grew older?
A: I think the embarrassment came when I was a teenager. In high school, I saw how my friends would go on holidays once or twice a year, drive nice cars and have expensive bags and accessories. My family didn’t have those things, and we didn’t go on annual trips because the business wasn’t doing very well.
When friends asked about my dad, I wouldn’t really talk about him. I would just say, “He runs a family business at our restaurant.” I talked a lot about my mum and grandmother, but not my dad, because I didn’t feel there was anything to be proud of.
But as I grew older, I started talking to him more and slowly learned how little he actually earned from selling each chicken wing.
Then I realised something. When I was young, my dad bought my sister and me G-Shock watches because we wanted them. He also bought me my first pair of Nike shoes. I didn’t appreciate those things then, but later I realised he might have had to sell hundreds of chicken wings just to earn what he spent on one pair of shoes for me.
Q: Was there a moment when his work stopped looking like something to be embarrassed about and started looking like an act of sacrifice?
A: I think it happened slowly. I once stood in front of the fire at the restaurant for less than five minutes and couldn’t take the heat anymore. My dad just said, “Yeah, just take it lor,” without any resentment or complaint.
He had been doing that for 24 years.
That made me think about how easily I could spend RM50 in a few seconds, while for him, earning that RM50 might mean standing in front of that fire for hours.
I also realised he was never stingy with us. When we asked for money, he would give it to us. When he dropped me at the MRT, he would still ask, “Do you have enough money?”
As I got older, I stopped taking that for granted. I started thinking about how difficult it was for him to earn the money he was giving us.
Q: You’ve said your relationship began changing after you became a Christian. What did you begin seeing differently about your father?
A: Two or three years ago, I started attending church and decided to follow Jesus. I think that was when the seed was planted in me to repair my relationship with my dad.
I began intentionally investing in our relationship. When he asked about my life, I would tell him more instead of giving short answers. Sometimes I would text him, “Don’t drink too much tonight. Get home earlier,” because he works late and drinks to cope with the heat.
I wouldn’t say everything changed overnight. It has been a long journey of hearts and actions being changed.
Q: Was there a small moment that made you realise, “My dad really loves me”?
A: Recently, my dad had a day off and it was just the two of us. I thought he would go out drinking with his friends, but instead, he brought me to a steamboat restaurant I had mentioned wanting to try a long time ago. I had almost forgotten about it, but he remembered.
We ate together and talked. I helped him order because he wasn’t familiar with the QR menu. It felt funny because he was bringing me out, but I was also taking care of him.
We even took a picture together. It was quite difficult for me to ask because things had always been awkward between us. But I thought, one day he won’t be around anymore, and I want something physical to hold on to and remember him by.
So now I take more photos with him.
Q: Has repairing this relationship changed the way you understand God?
A: When I first became a Christian, I thought, “Finally, I have a father in my life.” I had always felt that my dad was absent and that I didn’t really experience fatherly love. So I was happy knowing that God was my Father, because I knew He was perfect and loved me like no one else could.
But slowly, I realised my earthly father cannot be replaced by anyone else.
My dad is not the ideal father I imagined. He’s not highly educated, he’s not someone who can always give me advice, and we still have disagreements. But I’ve learned that he is my father for a reason, and I need to honour him.
Forgiveness and reconciliation have to come in if I want to rebuild this relationship. And honestly, I don’t think I could have done it through my own strength. I really believe it was God who rebuilt my relationship with my dad.
Q: If your father were sitting here listening to you, what would you want him to hear?
A: I want to apologise for being a naughty girl and for being so unappreciative of him for so many years. I’ve learned that even though he doesn’t speak much or ask much about us, behind all that silence is a huge love, a huge heart and a huge sense of responsibility for his family.
He has sacrificed so much without asking for credit or wanting us to worry about him. But I want him to know that we care about him too.
He doesn’t have to carry everything alone. We want to stand together as a family through the good things and the challenges.
